Gelski’s

Several groups and people need to make some smart public relations moves.  Here are my suggestions:

National Basketball Association — What are the odds that referee who bet on games gets whacked by some underworld hoodlums?  The NBA, once this situation settles down, needs to make a donation to a gamblers’ anonymous organization and then air some public service announcements about how to get help if you have a gambling problem.

National Football League — Michael Vick, Atlanta’s star quarterback, owned land where they found dead pit bulls.  I doubt Mr. Vick will be the NFL’s “Man of the Year’ this year.  The NFL needs to make a donation to some national animal abuse prevention group.  Public service announcements during NFL broadcasts would help, too.  And the Kansas City Chiefs should have a pet of the week.  After the “Star-Spangled Banner” is played, TV weatherman Gary Lezak and the designated pooch  could appear on the big scoreboard along with information on how to adopt the dog.

White House — The University of Tennessee women’s basketball team, the NCAA champion, should visit the White House soon.  President Bush could win some image points by asking the Rutgers’ team, too.  Rutgers lost to Tennessee in the final.  Then talk show Don Imus, since fired, insulted the Rutgers’ women on the air.

John Rocker — Several years ago Mr. Rocker, then an Atlanta Braves’ pitcher, said he did not like New York because of all the weird people who lived there.  I thought Mr. Rocker missed a chance to help his image after 9-11.  He could have assisted in the rescue and recovery effort at Ground Zero.  Wearing a hard hat and carrying a shovel, he could have looked into the TV camera and said, “Estamos Americanos todos.”  The scene would have made for grand TV theater, especially if some gay Asian women with purple hair and tattoos had lifted their shovels and smacked Mr. Rocker upside his head.

So I’m standing on the curb of Chestnut Street. On my side of the street sits the Liberty Bell. Engraved on the bell is the bible verse Leviticus 25:10, “Proclaim Liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof.”

Independence Hall towers on the other side of Chestnut Street. The Declaration of Independence was adopted in the building. Then about a decade later the Constitution was debated, draft and signed. Washington, Franklin, Jefferson – they all must have crossed Chestnut Street. I imagine Susan B. Anthony did, too. She led a protest by Independence Hall for women’s right to vote on July 4, 1876.

I take a step onto the old brick street. A sharp whistle stops me in my tracks. A park ranger is blowing the whistle. He’s telling me I cannot cross Chestnut Street at that particular spot.

I sure hope Kansas City pitcher Gil Meche receives another All-Star Game selection during his career. I imagine St. Louis first baseman Albert Pujols will. Neither Meche nor Pujols played in Tuesday’s All-Star Game in San Francisco, which means no Royal or Cardinal player will appear in the box score. We’ve got the entire research staff at “Gelski’s Blog” searching for the last time that happened.

National League manager Tony La Russa opted to go with Washington National Dmitri Young as a pinch-hitter instead of Pujols with two outs in the ninth inning and the American League leading 5-2. The choice made some sentimental sense. Pujols already has played in five All-Star Games and gotten 4 hits in 11 at bats. Young received an All-Star selection in 2003 while with Detroit, but he did not play in the game. Tuesday, in his first All-Star at-bat ever at age 33, Young singled and scored on a home run by Chicago Cub Alfonso Soriano.

I wish La Russa would have pinch-hit Pujols for Philadelphia’s Aaron Rowand with 2 outs, the bases loaded and the N.L. trailing 5-4. That situation would have been good for baseball. Instead, Rowand flew out to end the game.

Meche, making the American League roster, received his first All-Star selection this year. The Royals certainly believe Meche is capable of future All-Star selections since they are paying him $55 million over five years. However, if the Royals get better each year, it should mean they have more players, think Alex Gordon and Mark Teahan, capable of receiving All-Star selections. This situation might make it more difficult for a pitcher with a 5-6 record to make the American League team, no matter how good his earned run average is.

Check out “Ice Road Truckers” on the History Channel every Sunday at 9 p.m. central. Watch the truckers drive tons of goods over a frozen lake in temperatures that reach 50 degrees below zero. Thousands of dollars await them for each load they haul from a town called Yellow Knife to a diamond mine in northern Canada near the Arctic Circle. Death awaits if the ice breaks and their trucks plunge into the lake. A cussing, laughing, stubbly-bearded man named “Polar Bear” has no patience for drivers’ excuses as he leads his fleet of trucks into danger every Sunday night.

I’m thinking documentary film makers closer to home could offer similar excitement:

Party Cove Patrolmen — Party Cove in the Lake of the Ozarks has gained infamy for its Caligula-like scenes of illegal drug use and sex. This documentary could follow officers guiding their patrol boats through a gauntlet of party boats, all full of drunks hurling insults along with full beer cans. Which officer tries to make friends with the revelers? Which officer brings the hammer down? Which officer bleeds from the temple? How can we get Pamela Anderson involved?Westport Bouncers — Viewers find out the physical skills and psychological strategy needed to keep the peace in such establishments as America’s Pub, Kelly’s, Buzzard Beach and The Hurricane. Which rookie bouncer needs to keep his temper in check? Which scarred and tested veteran has a Bufford Pusser Walking Stick? How many Kansas City Chiefs will appear on each show?

Happy birthday, U.S.A.! You turn 231 tomorrow. Listed below are some quotes that may capture the spirit of the first 231 years.

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“We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.”

Ben Franklin at the signing of the Declaration of Independence

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“What (Thomas) Jefferson was saying was, `Hey! You know, we left this England place ’cause it was bogus; so if we don’t get some cool rules ourselves – pronto – we’ll just be bogus too! Get it?’ “

Jeff Spicoli, as played by Sean Penn in the movie “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”

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“We were now about to penetrate a country at least two thousand miles (3,219 kilometers) in width, on which the foot of civilized man had never trodden; the good or evil it had in store for us was for experiment yet to determine . . .”

Meriwether Lewis log

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“What to the slave is the 4th of July?”

Frederick Douglass

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“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”

Frederick Douglass

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“This flag dips to no earthly king.”

“You know, every now and then I think you might like to hear something from us nice and easy But there’s just one thing. You see we never ever do nothing nice and easy. We always do it nice and rough. So were gonna’ take the beginning of this song and do it easy. Then were gonna’ do the finish rough. This is the way we do ‘Proud Mary.”

Tina Turner

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“We’re all very different people. We’re not Watusi. We’re not Spartans. We’re Americans. With a capital “A”, huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We’re the underdog. We’re mutts.”

John Winger, as played by Bill Murray in the movie “Stripes”

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“Git-r’done!”

Larry the Cable Guy

Many Kansas City Royals’ fans may trace their hatred of the New York Yankees back to the night Chris Chambliss smacked a home run off Mark Littell to end the Royals’ run in the 1976 American League playoffs. Remember those Yankees’ fans spilling out of the right field bleachers like rats on a sinking ship?

Royals’ fans who do remember that night have reason for glee this year. The Yankees suck. Yes, at 37 wins on Saturday they had more than the Royals (34), but just barely. The Yankees are more than 10 games out of first place and probably will miss the playoffs.

It’s been 13 years since the Yankees did not compete in the postseason. New York went 70-43 in 1994, a strike year when no playoffs took place. The Yankees went 88-74 in 1993 but finished second in the A.L. East to eventual World Series champion Toronto.

Kansas City Royals’ fans will have a chance to boo the Yankees and tell them how bad they stink when New York heads to Kauffman Stadium July 23-25. Being a Missouri basketball fan, I know how much fun it is to see your hated rivals stumble. Bucknell and Bradley are two of my favorite college basketball teams now.

On a side note, the first 20,000 fans at Kauffman Stadium tonight receive these cool cowboy hats. Please e-mail any wacky photos you take with cowboy hats on, but no obscenity or nudity, please, and that goes for you, too, Slugger-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r. I’ll post the best photos on my blog.

Can I get a “Hey, bladder, bladder, bladder”?

Thousands of Milwaukee Brewers’ fans plan to pee their pants if the Brewers make the National League playoffs. It may take the St. Louis Cardinals to put everything on hold.

Check out http://www.peeyourpantsforthebrewers.com for all the information.

The Brewers last made the playoffs in 1982, or three years before the Kansas City Royals last made the playoffs. This year the Brewers lead the National League Central with the Cardinals in second place. As of Friday, 5,749 Brewers’ fans had signed up to soil their underwear if their team pops champagne.

When news of such craziness leaked out, it produced a steady stream of media coverage. The Boston Globe, ESPN Baseball Tonight and Howard Stern have mentioned it. Now, “Gelski’s Blog” recognizes Milwaukee’s whizzers in waiting.

The web site asks people to give details on the last time they peed their pants. Here are some answers:

“Standing in batter’s box during tball”

“Last time I was in jail”

“Do small dribbles count?”

“Sneezing when pregnant”

“St Patty’s Day 07”

“Cinco de Mayo, 2007”

“Buffett concert at Alpine 1999”

“What time is it?”

You may have read Sam Mellinger’s story in Wednesday’s Kansas City Star about the St. Louis Cardinals having a much larger fan base than the Kansas City Royals throughout much of the state of Missouri. It was the story with the cool drawing of a flock of Cardinals attacking Slugger-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r.

Here are my opinions on baseball fans where I’ve lived in the state of Missouri:

Salisbury, Mo. — Born in 1962, I started following the Cardinals seriously in the early 1970s, back when they were still pretty good and had created a solid fan base thanks to two World Series crowns in the 1960s. Salisbury, with a population of a little more than 1,700, is about a two-hour drive east of Kansas City and nearly a three-hour drive west of St. Louis. My sister, born in 1968, named her cat George Brat. She followed the Royals during their thrilling playoff series with the New York Yankees in the late 1970s and 1980. So did a lot of other Salisburians about her age.

Columbia, Mo. — The University of Missouri campus was filled with red, along with black and gold, when the Cardinals won it all in 1982. Overall, I’d say the Cardinals had a slight edge of Cardinals’ fans over Royals’ fans when I lived there (1981-85), but it was close. The students from Kansas City certainly loved their Royals.

Carthage, Mo. — The headline in The Carthage Press read, “Missouri hits a grand slam!” the day after St. Louis and Kansas City both qualified for the playoffs in 1985. The fans seemed split evenly among the two teams even though Carthage was about a 2-hour drive from Kansas City and about a 4-hour drive from St. Louis.

St. Joseph, Mo. — The ratio of Royals’ fans to Cardinals’ fans was about 3:1 in the Royals’ favor in this town about an hour drive north of Kansas City. The Cardinal fans I met there were deep-rooted in their allegiance. Many had family histories of following the Cardinals way before 1969, the year the Kansas City Royals came into existence.

In summary, true Cardinals’ fans may criticize their team, but their allegiance is never in question. The true Royals fans are those 10,000 souls who show up at Kauffman Stadium for a Monday night game in September. I’ll count Slugger-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r among them.

The 2-11 record of St. Louis pitcher Kip Wells brings to mind a tragic figure in Cardinals’ history. Arthur Lawrence “Bugs” Raymond won 15 games and lost 25 in 1908. His mound misery may be related to a quote from Rube Marquard that’s found in the Baseball Almanac.

“What a terrific spitball pitcher he was,” Marquard said in 1965. “He didn’t spit on the ball, he blew his breath on it and the ball would come up drunk.”

After the 1908 season, the New York Giants and manager John McGraw took a chance on “Bugs.” He stayed sober enough to win 18 games one season and 19 games another season. He must have gotten lost in the bottle again, however, as the Giants released him after the 1911 season.

“Bugs” got in a fight in his hometown of Chicago the next year. They found him dead in his bed with a cracked skull on Sept. 7, 1912. He was 30 years old.

No one is making fun of vaudevillian misplays from the Kansas City Royals anymore. ESPN SportsCenter announcers will need to look elsewhere to obtain material for their smirky little quips. The Royals made all the crucial defensive plays in a 5-3 victory at St. Louis on Monday night.

Third baseman Alex Gordon had the night’s defensive gem with a leaping, twirling catch and throw to nip So Taguchi at first base. Twice the Cardinals loaded the bases only to see Royal shortstop Tony Pena Jr. start double plays to thwart potential big innings for St. Louis.

While the Royals made no errors, the Cardinals committed three. Pitcher Adam Wainwright had two of them and probably should have been charged with a third error when he botched a bunt. Third baseman Scott Rolen even made his first error of the season.

Up the middle defensively, the Cardinals started four reserves in catcher Gary Bennett, second baseman Scott Spiezio, shortstop Aaron Miles and center fielder Taguchi. Catcher Yadier Molina, shortstop David Eckstein and centerfielder Jim Edmonds are all hurt. Second baseman Adam Kennedy has been a bust, hitting about .213.

Ugh! Yuk! Blah! Pa-toooey! It sours my mouth to say this as a Cardinal fan, but the Royals organization shows signs of taking a road to respectability while a Cardinals’ era of six playoff appearances, two National League pennants and one World Series trophy might be over.

Remember Johnny Damon and Jermaine Dye?  Didn’t you just love those guys?  The Kansas City Royals baseball organization wanted you to, until they traded them to other major league clubs willing to pay the two outfielders their fair market values.  Damon played for the 2004 World Series champion Boston Red Sox, and Dye was the most valuable player in the 2005 World Series as an outfielder for the Chicago White Sox.

Alex Gordon, a rookie third baseman, and Mark Teahan, a young outfielder, could become the next Damon and Dye.  Both have All-Star appearance potential.  Finally shaking out of a slump, Gordon has blistered line drives all over the field in the past four Kansas City Royal games, three of them victories.  The fleet-footed Teahan has shown a great team attitude by switching to right field from third base to make room for Gordon.  Teahan’s athletic talent could help him become at least an average outfielder defensively, and he’s already shown he can hit.

The years to come will reveal if the Royals organization will shell out the money required to keep Gordon and Teahan in Kansas City.  Let’s see how badly Mr. Glass wants a winner in K.C.  It will take more than Wal-Mart prices.

On a side note, the Royals on Saturday morning had 27 victories this season, the same number as the 2005 World Series champion White Sox and one fewer than the 2006 World Series champion St. Louis Cardinals. 

I have a new slogan for Kansas City. How about, “Kansas City — The Land of Road Work Ahead.” Then there’s, “Kansas City — The Orange Barrel Capital of the World.”

Man, you drive up I-35 and a sign says, “Road work ahead.” So you turn onto I-435, and a similar sign says, “Road work ahead.” To quote an old ’60s anthem, “Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.”

We need a way to unload our driving frustrations, which brings me to my idea for a new business. I’m not sure if it’s legal, though. We get a bunch of those orange barrels and some guns and bullets and chain saws. People can pay a fee either to shoot up a barrel or take a chain saw to it. We could do the same with “road work ahead” signs.

Just the thought of doing that has me grinning and chuckling like Beavis and Butthead.